Recurring feature

The Lanai Squirrel Report.

The squirrels live on the other side of the screen. They know what they did. These are the surveillance logs. Intentionally dramatic.

Pixie watching squirrels through the lanai screen

Threat: Severe

Report 01 · September 15, 2026

3 squirrels sighted

Pixie's speed: Personal best. Untimed, but felt fast.
Apprehended: None. See: “the screen.”

Hostiles observed along the fence line. Coordinated tail-flicking. Clearly a display of dominance. I held the perimeter railing on high alert. They did not leave. They never leave. I find their commitment infuriating and, in a way I will not admit, impressive.

Threat: Critical

Report 02 · September 19, 2026

1 squirrel sighted

Pixie's speed: Stationary sniper stance from the front sofa perch.
Apprehended: Deterred by telepathic death glare through plantation shutters.

Front window surveillance post active. Through the living room archway, across the travertine, up on the cream sofa back cushions. Plantation shutters adjusted for maximum line of sight. Unidentified movement detected outside the front lawn. Target froze upon realizing they were being tracked by 6 pounds of pure tactical vigilance.

Threat: Defcon Tail

Report 03 · August 28, 2026

5 squirrels sighted

Pixie's speed: Maximum. Lost count of laps.
Apprehended: None. Obviously.

Five. Five squirrels. A summit. They convened on the fence as though they owned the lanai, which, for the record, is MY lanai. I ran until I was dizzy. They dispersed only when a human opened a treat bag, which I maintain was a distraction tactic on their part. I am watching all of them.

Status

"The squirrels live on the other side of the screen. They know what they did."

Investigation ongoing. Forever.